Anxiety can sometimes prevent us from being the person we truly want to be. It can cause us to stifle our voices and silence our thoughts. When we overestimate our shortcomings and fail to recognize our strengths, we often become insecure, leading to anxiety in various situations. But could it be that we’re also being “too nice” to others at the expense of ourselves?
Socially, we may overthink our words, worrying about how the other person will perceive them. After speaking, we often become our own harshest critic. We may start to question whether we offended the other person, doubt the intelligence of what we said, fear that we didn’t say enough and might come across as boring, or worry that we said too much and now appear awkward or strange. This constant rumination can lead us to silence ourselves, causing us to say less than we intended. This, in turn, allows
others to dominate or place us in roles we never wanted—like always being the one who conforms to others’ ideas or lets others inconvenience us because we’re more concerned about their feelings than our own. Are we being too nice because we fear others won’t like us if we express our honest opinions? These anxieties can create a “niceness syndrome” where we compromise our own feelings to please others. Here are some questions to consider if you think your anxiety is causing you to be “too nice”:
- What do I want? In the situation you’re facing, recognize what you genuinely want. Saying yes to a friend or family member, only to dread the task or outcome, will likely increase your anxiety and lead to resentment. Saying no can feel empowering and prevent you from ending up in situations you dislike.
- What is it that I would like to say? Finding your voice and being heard is essential to getting what you need. If you need something from someone, it’s important to communicate that. Whether it’s asking a stranger to give you space or requesting that a coworker shares the workload, speaking up is necessary for change.
- Is this inconveniencing me for someone else’s benefit? If others are being inconsiderate and you avoid speaking up to prevent conflict or disapproval, you’ll likely end up feeling inconvenienced.
- Would the other person think twice before saying this to me? Sometimes we hold back from expressing our true feelings because we fear others might take it the wrong way or feel offended. However, if you reflect on how others communicate with you, you might realize that they don’t always filter their words as carefully.
It’s important to stay in tune with your own needs and wants so that your anxiety doesn’t drown them out in your efforts to please others. Putting yourself first now and then doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you self-aware and acknowledges that you need care too